We Begin With The Truth
Day 1 of Cozy+Creative
Hi! I’m Amy, a therapist, writer, and photographer. I am passionate about helping people create the lives and relationships they want, and tap into their own creative impulses. I explore all of this in Creating The World, and hope that by me sharing my own journey, I can help you do the same work in your own life. Most of my newsletters are free for everyone. A paid subscription ($5.00 per month) gets you an extra quarterly newsletter centered around each season of the year, digital downloads of my poems and photography, an exclusive chat focused on diving deeper into your dreams, goals, and relationships, plus full access to all podcast episodes and courses, in addition to all the free content.
This essay is a little peek into Cozy+Creative, my series on helping people move closer to the lives they want for themselves. The rest of the series is for paid subscribers, but I wanted to provide this first letter to everyone, so that if you are on the fence about joining, this might give you a better feel about whether or not it is for you.
Hello! Welcome to day one of Cozy + Creative! I am so excited to be here with you! This is an offering that has been years in the making, starting with me realizing how far I had strayed from my own self, and set about to find my way back to my own center. I read blogs and websites, listened to podcasts, and joined groups all essentially focused on the same thing: how to improve my life by digging beneath all the layers put there by culture and unhealthy relationships, returning to who I actually am underneath all those layers, and creating the life I actually want. This eventually led me to becoming a therapist, where I work every day with clients who are in the same basic position I was also in.
Over the next six weeks, I will post a letter each Sunday, with another step you can take to help you move into more of what you want for your life. My hope is that these letters are a gift to you, easing you into the year. But as always, you are free to do as much, or as little, as you want of this offering, including none at all. It will always live on my Substack, and as a paid subscriber, you can go back any time you want to access any of the steps.
I will also be doing it alongside you, because no matter how far along we might be in creating the life we want for ourselves, there will always be moments when we feel we need to make some changes. So I will be in the trenches with you, and sharing about how things are going for me, including challenges and rough spots I come across, and I invite you to do the same. We have our paid subscriber chat, where you can make comments and ask questions as we go along. I will also be posting questions in there every week, to help you dive deeper into the material. My goal is always to help you be as successful as possible with this.
“We cannot change anything until we accept it.”—Carl Jung
I know it can be hard to know where to start when changing your life, and our first step might take you by surprise. While Cozy + Creating is about dreaming into what we want, and taking concrete steps towards bringing it into reality, we are actually starting with identifying what we don’t want. This is an important step, but it can sometimes be the hardest one for people. I don’t know about you, but on occasion I can be just a tad obstinate when something isn’t working for me (don’t tell my husband I admitted that). Especially when it’s something that I want very much to work, but for whatever reason it just isn’t happening. I can be like a dog with a bone, chewing away at the problem, determined to find the magic thing that will allow everything to fall into place.
This can be a good thing, of course, but other times it really just stands in my way, especially when I am pushing and pushing, trying to effort this thing into happening in a certain way, and on a certain timetable, and I’m getting more and more frustrated and stuck.
When I graduated college, I had dreams of becoming a teacher. I was going to change the world, one inspired student at a time. But no one would hire me, and I ended up working as a substitute teacher, which I both loved and hated because it was close to what I was wanting, but wasn’t quite close enough. And it meant I had the summers off, which was great for time with my daughter, but hell on our budget. I desperately wanted it to work, but in reality all that was happening was we were getting farther and farther into a financial hole. So eventually, I had to admit that it wasn’t working, and I made the pivot to working in the daycare setting instead, and over time that pivot led me to my career as a therapist, which I adore. If I hadn’t been willing to admit what wasn’t working, I would have continued hitting my head against the wall and getting nowhere. Changing direction and turning towards what worked ended up being much better for me.
In order for us to dream into what we want, we first have to acknowledge what isn’t working. This is helpful for two reasons: 1. It is important that we be honest with ourselves about what’s not feeling good. We can’t become more intentional without starting with brutal honesty. And 2. It helps us to get clarity on what we do want, because it’s often the opposite of what isn’t working for us right now.
Write it down
So our first exercise is to do a little journaling. If you don’t identify as a journaler ( I don’t think that’s actually a word, but you won’t judge me for using it, right?), that’s okay. You can just write a bullet list if that’s what works for you. It doesn’t matter how you go about it, what’s important is that you find a way to write down all the things that aren’t working for you. Everything that doesn’t feel good. Everything that is dragging you down, feeling heavy, or stuck. Don’t be afraid to go into detail. Maybe some elements of a particular thing are fine, but there’s that one piece that just doesn’t feel right. What is it about that thing, or that relationship, that doesn’t feel good?
And if you don’t know yet, that’s okay. Just be as specific as you can. Maybe you don’t like how you feel after spending a big chunk of time with a certain person, but you don’t know why. That’s okay. Just write down what you do know. Later we will talk about getting more clarity on how to actually improve your life.
Fair warning: this might be more triggering than you expect. Or maybe it will feel like a relief. There might be guilt. You may feel like you shouldn’t be complaining. Possibly you will feel the need to justify yourself. It’s very likely that feelings of grief may come up. When we begin to acknowledge the truth of how we are feeling about our lives and relationships, a lot of feelings can come up. Whatever you experience is valid, and I encourage you to be with the feelings, as they come up, and gently lean into them as much as you are able to. Allow yourself to feel them, without judging them. Be curious about what might be going on for you.
Acknowledging the things that aren’t working can be both difficult and liberating. Let’s be honest, there’s a reason we haven’t done the work yet. We knew intuitively that there’s stuff underneath, and we weren’t feeling ready to deal with it yet. You wanted this thing, or this relationship, to work, again for very valid reasons. So, realizing that this desired thing doesn’t seem to be happening is naturally going to come with emotions of some kind.
A little grace with your truth
Throughout this series, please remember that you are free to go at your own pace, and encouraged to be gentle with yourself over the next few weeks. This is big work, and it’s okay to go slow, or to take longer with some parts than with others. Gift yourself that permission, and take this time for yourself.
Also, once you open the door, you may start uncovering more and more things that you didn’t know you weren’t okay with. You may have a lot more to add to your list over the upcoming weeks. That’s awesome, and it’s also perfectly fine if you don’t. However you experience each part of this is perfect for you.
Last thing—as important as it is to know what you don’t want, it is also helpful to notice what is going well. What you are rocking, what is feeling easy and smooth, etc. So take about five minutes, and make a “good things” list, too. Nothing is too small to include. If you are thrilled that you have finally found the best coffee creamer in the world, awesome. Write it down. Keep both lists handy, because we will be referring back to them later.
I hope you have a great week, and remember, I am always here if you feel stuck or have questions.
Love, Amy
Oh, and if you would like to support my work, but cannot commit to a paid subscription right now, no worries! If it feels aligned, you can support me on a one-time basis, and buy me a book.