A Different Kind Of Valentine's Day

It's way better than a stale box of chocolates.

I have this clear memory of being in my high school classroom on Valentine’s Day. Our student council did this fundraiser thing where people could purchase roses to give to someone, either on Valentine’s Day itself, or on the school day closest to it. Every year, there was this undercurrent of anticipation buzzing through us on the special day, because we all knew that in our last class of the day, two student council members would walk into each class, with a bucket full of roses, and start handing them out to the lucky students.

I’m sure there were some kids who dreaded this, because they never got roses, and as an adult now I look back with so much empathy for them. They must have hated this tradition, nearly as much as they wanted to be a part of it. There are probably quite a few graduates from my high school who hate Valentine’s Day now, in part because of this tradition. But I digress…

I can still look back at my high school self, sitting in that little desk with the connected chair, my books in the metal basket underneath, and feel her excitement which she tried to brush off as casually as she could. With every name that was called, every rose that was delivered, I did my best to act like I simply could not care less. This was SO not a big deal. Meanwhile, I felt each second as a buildup to my big moment, the one where I would accept my rose(s) and exhibit the exact right blend of indifference, surprise, and pleasure.

Photo by Ian Schneider on Unsplash

I always felt fairly confident about my chances of getting at least one rose, not because that many boys where interested in me, but because my friends and I had figured out something essential to living as a woman—instead of sitting around waiting for a guy to pick you, focus your energy on celebrating yourself and your female friendships.

Stronger together, always enough

As a result, we didn’t sit around waiting for a guy to send us a rose. Instead, we sent each other roses, with notes encouraging each other and building us up. Because even at 16, we knew that guys would come and go, but our girls would stick around a lot longer, especially if we took good care of each other.

I think we also instinctively knew that the world would try to get us to compete and turn against each other, in favor of “earning” approval from men, and we wanted to create as many bulwarks against that as we could. And so every year throughout all of high school, I would get roses from my friends, reminding me that love of all forms is valuable, not just the kind we are trained to see as the most important.

When women believe that our worth is based on getting attention from a man, we see other women as our competition. And make no mistake, this is by design. If we are competing with each other, we can’t stand together. And we can’t really stand on our own, either, because we are telling ourselves the lie that we aren’t enough on our own. Not to sound like a conspiracy theorist or anything, but the reality is, it’s important to a patriarchal society for us to believe that we need to compete with each other, because if we all truly knew that we are stronger when we stand together, we would take the entire thing down and create a very different world.

Don’t get me wrong, this “go sisterhood” mentality doesn’t mean I’m not a sucker for romance and love. A lot of people hate Valentine’s Day, and I get it. It can be annoying to be faced with pressure to show your love in a specific way, on a specific day, and if you don’t show up “correctly”, then you are judged as not loving someone enough, or not loving someone “right”. And that’s if you are in a relationship. If you’re not, then you spend the entire day seeing the expressions of love that other people are receiving, and that you are missing out on. It’s like a bitch slap from the entire Universe, reminding you that you do not have that “special someone” in your life, and therefore you are somehow lacking. It’s totally valid and I absolutely understand hating Valentine’s Day.

I, however, love Valentine’s Day. Looooovvve it. Annoyingly so. I would create a valentine for Valentine’s Day itself if I didn’t think it would make Cupid himself roll his eyes and pretend to throw up. But I don’t love it for the reasons you might think. Yes, I am in a happy and solid relationship. Yes, my husband does generally make sure I feel loved on Valentine’s Day. But that’s not actually why I love Valentine’s Day. I love it for reasons that have very little to do with my partner.

I love it because it’s an excuse to show love to everyone in my life, starting with myself.

In our society, we tend to focus a lot of attention on romantic love, but why limit yourself to just celebrating that? Seriously, there’s no rule saying you can’t also celebrate your friends, your family, and most importantly, yourself, just like my friends and I did. Why the hell not? It’s a day all about love, and there are lots of people in my life that I love. Why shouldn’t I take some time to show them how much they mean to me? No holiday is going to limit me!

My husband is wonderful, and he is definitely my valentine, but he is only one person, and cannot possibly met all of my needs or be there for me in every way, every time. We all need many people in our lives who love and support us in various ways, and its the collective whole that ensures our emotional needs are met.

I have some friends who are great listeners, other friends who ask me thoughtful questions that help me understand myself and my feelings, and one friend who is always quick to offer help when my kids are sick or those random crises pop up. I have family members who help out with the kids, or who send their love in regular care packages, or who have been checking in with me every week for over 25 years.

When I turned 40, several women in my life teamed up to create a box of 40 presents for me to open, one each day for the 40 days leading up to my birthday.

When our 16-year-old daughter told us she was pregnant, friends offered me space to cry, or yell, or just be quiet together. They texted me in the mornings to ask me if I slept okay and how I was feeling. They validated my feelings and showed no judgment whatsoever.

“A friend is one of the best things you can be and the greatest thing you can have.”—Sarah Valdez

All of these people in my life help me to feel loved and cared for, and they all deserve to be celebrated.

This can be done in different ways, depending on energy, time, and financial resources each year. Some years I buy presents for various people, or I bake them something yummy and sweet, or we schedule a coffee date. Sometimes it’s as simple as sending a little meme to several people, letting them know how much I appreciate them. If you’re artsy, get out some construction paper, markers, and glue, and make some old-school (platonic) Valentine’s Day cards. It doesn’t have to be a big thing. It literally is the thought that counts.

Don’t forget yourself.

As much as I enjoy showing love to all the people in my life, Valentine’s Day is also a great time to shower myself with love (I didn’t mean for that to sound dirty, but I’m also not discouraging that. You do you. Literally, if that’s what floats your boat.). Self-love is the most important kind, far superior to love from any lover, friend, or family member. Without it, any other love feels hollow and never quite enough. February is a great time to look for ways you can be more loving to yourself. Here’s a few ideas:

*Take yourself out for coffee.

*Buy yourself a treat, without any guilt or shame.

*Gift yourself some time alone with a good book.

*Create a playlist for yourself that makes you feel amazing.

*Check in with your self-talk, and make sure you are speaking to yourself as kindly as you would talk to your best friend.

*Speak up for your wants and needs.

*Take yourself out for a movie, or schedule a full-on movie night, with themed snacks and drinks, just for yourself.

*Take a nap.

*Start saving for a dream solo vacation.

YOU are worth celebrating. Treat yourself with love. Be your own valentine. Your friends and family are worth celebrating. Treat them with love. And yes, your special someone is worth celebrating. Treat that person with love. Consider opening this holiday up to all the kinds of love that you have in your life, and watch all the love that flows back to you.

Its way better than a stale box of chocolates.

Love,

Amy